By Dan Bern
Transcribed by Justin

(capo 2)

Intro: D/A/D/A
D                        A
I come down the steps
A                 Bm
I slip on the ice
G                        D
Santa Claus been looking
                   G
Who's been naughty
                   A
Who's been nice
       G
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

D/A/D/A

D                             A
And Jesus he comes up to me
A                  Bm
Jesus, he sits down
               G                                  D
He says, "Take this fucking cross off my back
G                     A
I'm going downtown"
          D                                A
I said "Oh, but ain't that your uniform?"
A                    Bm
He offers me a toke
              G                                D
He says "Two thousand years is long enough
     G                   A
for this particular joke."
                   G
He says "I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight"

D/A/D/A

D               A
I'm up here singing
                            Bm
These songs every night
         G                           D
Sometimes I want to just make 'em all
G              A
Up on the spot
       D                       A
Maybe they wouldn't rhyme too good
A                              Bm
They might not make sense
      G                  D
But then at least I wouldn't be
G             A
Repeating myself
      G
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

D/A/D/A

        D                          A
And you're the one I've chosen
A                                      Bm
And I guess you've chosen me
        G               D
Let's turn off the commercials
        G               A
Let's turn off the TV
D                         A
How well can we get to know
A                      Bm
Each other in an hour?
G                       D
We can fight the daylight
G                  A
We have that power
      G
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

harmonica solo:
D/A/A/Bm/G/D/G/A
D/A/A/Bm/G/D/G/A

       D                    A
And Van Gogh sits next to me
A                             Bm
With a bucket full of pastes
G                   D
He rips off my ear and says
G                      A
"Glue this to my face"
     D                 A
I'd like to leave America
A                                      Bm
For someplace where they would
       G                      D
Not know a word of English
        G                     A
and I might be understood
     G
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

D/A/D/A
 

Notes: The D actually comes on the final syllable of "tonight" on each verse, but I couldn't think of a good way to write that. The harmonica solo is played over a regular verse, in case you couldn't tell.